Change is coming

As most know I have been quiet for a while now.

I have been deciding what to do with this blog for weeks now.

I have been sick for ages and any small infection sends my body spiralling downhill fast.

SO after weeks of thinking something today came to me.

SO keep checking to see where this blog goes next.

OH and if you thought fleur was still alive.

Sadly she doesnt exsist anywhere anymore

not even in my heart.

poem

Tears fall

I am crying again

Do you care ?

That you caused these tears

Dont you know

How much this is hurting me

Do you even know

why I am crying

These tears I have cried

Are real

These feeling

Are real

They are cause I love you

And my heart is being torn

Cause I let you tear me apart

But you dont care

As long as you get your way

These tears I cry

What do they say

They say I am being torn apart

They tell You how much I am hurting

But I wont tell you

I wont let you know

Why

Cause no matter what

I wont cause you to cry

I wont hurt you

This pain I bear

alone

All I wanted is a photo

To hold your son

TO kiss my grandson

But denied all these things

So instead I cry

Knowing I will never do these things

WHY cause my sons gf says I am not allowed to see my grandson

I have done nothing wrong

SO instead all day I cry

Knowing I will miss him growing up

ALL OVER the fact I suffer depression

something i didnt ask for that doesnt affect how much I love my grandson

YET I am not allowed near him.

 

Broken

Last night as I sat on my bed staring out the window not seeing anything, my mind was cast back to another time. I remember thinking the same thoughts, facing the same choices and remembering how it turned out last time. Some ask why do you stay? The answer lies somewhere in this blog. Look what happened last time I decided to leave, it destroyed everything. There is only one way I can leave and I am not sure I am strong enough to make that choice.

SO as I sat on my bed I realised this time I had no safe place to go too in my mind. I tried to picture my safe place but all I saw were graves. I tried remembering the last time I thought I was happy and all I saw was emptiness. I tried to picture the waterfall but all I saw was pain of finding it gone.

That place killed me more then anyone realises, the strength I thought i had is gone. It was never real nothing there was and some think it is but is not. But the destruction it left in me is real.

Why dont I leave? Cause that place taught me one thing. I am worth nothing and deserve this pain.

Do I deserve happiness, some would say no and you know what they are right.

Listen do you hear that sound, thats the sound of someone giving up.

Thats the sound of me walking away

Thats the sound you hear

When someone takes away your hope you selfworth

Thats the sound you made so long ago

and this after so long is the sound

of a last breath.

 

 

Heat wave

At 9am this morning it was 30 C it hit 36 C and hasnt cooled down for 5 hours now. A very hot breeze means the temps are feeling so much hotter and people I know have fainted from the heat. It looks like its going to be common to have temps of 36plus this summer. So as you sit there think damn its cold, think about me melting in the heatwaves we are expecting. Worse thing is the hot air is making my throat worse and its harder to breath in the heat.

Rough few weeks

Things lately havent been easy for me.

I have had one illness after another.

They are all related and nothing major but it means I cant see my grandson and thats kinda hard to deal with.

Worse thing is I believe that I have been cursed and that I wont get better any time soon. Now I am not usually one to believe in things like this but I had a run in with a practicing witch and the last thing I said to her was that I wished her bf and her would just drop dead and that I wish they had never come into my life. The next day I got a stye in my eye that lead to conjunctivitis and that lead to a eye infection, After 2 doses of antibiotics I still have eye problems and while on them I have had 2 major ear infections and 3 throat infections and a chest infection. I have been back and forth to doctors and they all agree that my ear infection had cleared up and returned 3 days later and the same with my throat infections. Different parts of my ears and throat have been affected each time and to get them WHILE on antibiotics are strange. I cant go out when I start feeling better cause 3 days later I come down with another illness. I am not allergic to anything and its strange that each time I feel better I get sicker. This has been going on for weeks and weeks now and no one else in the house has had any health problems. Considering I have had contagious things each time this is strange. I have discussed this with a few people who agree its strange that these things started around the time of the argument. They know the people involved and agree it has to be something they have cast that is causing this.

Its strange all of us dont believe in this sort of thing but I usually dont get this sick. yes I get sick but one thing at a time not a lot of little things all at once. I get kidney infections and chest infections often but not this type. I am so weak I cant do a thing anymore and I am stuck at home. The doctors last verdict was to let my body fight the infections as I have had too many strong antibiotics for more to do any good. I can hardly see out of my left eye it has puffed up so badly and a walk from the car to the house a whole 10 steps left me gasping for breath for an hour last week.

I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there.

Worse thing is a friend is in need of my support and I cant give it too him cause I cant deal with my problems let alone his and his a worse then mine.

Sick of feeling sick and down so low.

I cant say sorry cause I wasnt in the wrong.

I still wish them dead for what they did to me

Sick still

Lets say that  I now believe in curses. Enough said

Welcome to the world Brock Steven

At 12.37am on the 26th October 2009 Brock Steven was born after a 20.5 Hour labour (OUCH) a happy bouncing baby boy weighing in at 7 pounds 6 ounces and measuring a nice 20 inches long he is doing well. His parents Mr and Mrs Towel boy are doing well, though still in the OMG we have won the lottery stage and he is actually here omg stage. After being 4 days late just like his Dad is always late lol, a new life is here god help the world.

I hate you

I hate what you have done to me

before I met you I was free

I was happy

I was carefree

Now I cant be

I hate who I am

What you left

When you ran

I cry too much

I feel too much pain

Why cant I live my life again

Tonight I cried over you

I want to be free from you

But you made me feel

You made me smile

You made me believe

If only for awhile

most wish I would get over you

some wish me this pain

All I know is today

I wish id just hear from you again

Crying useless tears over someone long gone, that probably doesnt even care at all that I still cry too often over the friendship we both threw away so easily.

Better Finally but quiet

I still have a sore throat that just wont go away, but thats the least of my symptoms for the last 2 weeks. Seems that I was hit with one thing after another as my body just didnt cope with any illness. I would get better then go out for a walk or just shopping and the next day be as weak as a kitten unable to get out of bed as a new set of symptoms hit me. After 3 courses of serious antibiotics I think I have finally kicked the bugs that were attacking my system just in time for the birth of my grandson on Tuesday.

Unless of course he decides that he wants to be born earlier but will definitely be born sometime Next Tuesday.

Lately as I lay there in bed not being able to do much else I have been wondering.

Why I let one person still affect the things I do now. A long time after he left my life I still catch myself thinking HE WOULD LIKE THIS. Or this person just doesnt hold a candle to someone I used to know so long ago. What made him so special to me that I check my email praying that today he writes me, only to find junk emails.

Why can no one make me feel loved like he did, yet now so unlovable cause he took his love away.

I was  playing an online game recently and enjoying the company of a friend that I had gotten to know, that was untill he told me his name and then I just stopped playing. I just wanted to crawl into a shell and I havent been back. I get emails asking what he has done and I just cant reply. How do you tell someone that you dont want to talk to them anymore because they share a name with someone.

So lately I have been quiet online, unless its on facebook where I feel safe for some reason. Mostly because I know most people on there well. I feel safe amongst real friends.

I wish I could just let go.

I wish I could just fade away to nothing.

Maybe that is what I am doing, fading away.

A face no one can love

Well some people say the eyes are the windows to your soul. Firstly I would like to point out that I cant see out of my left eye at all and my right is well 50 % shut. As my Dad once said I wear my stress on my face. Yep I have been stressed out and wham my face swells up my eyes swell up, all my glands are swollen painfully. I feel like I have done 15 rounds with a boxer and I feel like I have too. But no this time it is pure STRESS. Worse thing is I was supposed to be going to Sydney tomorrow and I cant even think about getting out of bed tomorrow.

Gees all I need now is the sky to fall on me and then my week will be completely CRAP…