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Time has flown by and life has passed me by.
I still think about a certain secondlife member, yep Ray I still look at the moon and wonder how you are.
My youngest started High school this year, wow time has flown
My grand daughter started school this year WOW when did she grow up on me
I have lost contact with most of my sl friends now. Douwe miss our chats for sure. Blueman where are my jokes.
Might post more often this year. You never know I might even pop in to sl again one day soon.
MY stomach is playing up and I was hoping that the operation would last more then a few months, seems I am going back to the specialist as I am having the same problems. School holidays here and kids driving me insane. OH and back on secondlife and finding sooooo boring. dont think I will be on there long
Yesterday I learnt that my sons future at school isnt looking good, but after school they think he will do great.. Scared about Friday, not looking forward to seeing my ex in laws and the bullying tactics they will use. Great that my son has turned my whole family against me.
Tears are falling,
No one seems to care.
I am such a bad person,
That if I was not here,
No one would care?
I just want to feel love,
to know someone loves me.
I dont want for much,
just to know someone cares.
Its been a long time and there is a reason for this. I am still on the long road back to recovery, though I wonder will I ever recover and learn to trust again. I am still alive and kicking though I can barely walk now days and am waiting for surgery which seems is not going to happen this year. I have the big c but am waiting for more tests which are taking forever to get. My broken hip 5 years ago is playing up and can barely walk. I will leave you with this thought.
When you play that song do you think of me, am I ever on your mind?
So much has happened since I last posted.
One thing is I am now housebound, no psychical injury causes this but I have become agoraphobic meaning going outside is really hard for me right now. I did go out on odd occasions but that is becoming harder and harder each day.
Life is ok as long as I stay home, going out causes me to freak out and I need at least 2 people with me when I am forced to go out. So different to the old me who had no fears.
The truth is I let evil into my house and they cursed me and I need to break that curse to be me again. With help I can do this with support I can. Few believe that this can happen but she was a practicing witch who cursed me and I didnt believe either till I got sicker and sicker.
Sometimes I think I hear your voice in the wind, I listen hard but never hear it again. For so long I have been left lost and confused, not really sure what to do. But then I remember you were never really my friend. I wish I knew where you are now, are you happy or sad. It doesnt really matter now for our time has come and gone. You took the good side of me and turned it sour and I lost so much when things went wrong.
But now I am strong and the whispers I hear are people I know. For so long I couldnt listen to music you soured that for me, now it blasts for everyone to hear. My heart sings to a different tune, to someone not like you.
I stand at my window, all thoughts of you are gone. Waiting for the one, that makes me glow.
So long I was lost, but now I am found. And it feels good.
OK deep down I know I am loved and I am not alone, but that does not stop me feeling all alone. This week has been hell and its taken a toll on me. I have lost so much that I wonder who will be taken from me next. I want to scream but the scream wont happen. I want to cry but there is no more tears left. I want to hide and mm yes I have an exit plan. Its hard to pretend everything is ok when everything is falling apart.
So I sit alone knowing things just are not going to change for awhile anyways. I have to banish all the bad karma and bring forth a new day. Clean and fresh.
Makes no sense then that is not strange because nothing makes sense anymore.
What have I learnt this week…… MMMM… I have learnt that I dont matter to anyone. Ok exceptions to apply but in general I dont matter. The ones close to me know I need help but the ones that can help say sorry we cant help you cause your not bad enough. Again the ones close to me know this is bull, that I try my hardest to be ok but I am never really ok. BUT because I try I am and refuse to let my illness beat me they cant do a thing.
So what do I do just give up trying so that I finally get the help I need or just give up all together cause I cant do this alone anymore but no one will help me.
I am damned if I do and damned if I dont, I cant win and slowly I am losing people that give a damn at all so soon I will be alone and whats the use in trying by yourself.
I hate the way I am I want to be different but no one will help me at all.
What is the use, what is the use at all???????????????????
Now I know how Zach feels and let me tell you it suxs big time…..
Last night was a rough night at therapy. Then again when is it ever easy, but worth it. I have been hurt so badly by my family and people I trusted that its going to be a long time, if ever before I am ok again.
In saying that, I just have to look in my son’s eyes and the struggles he goes through to know I am not alone. His has 3 therapist, may seem over kill but trust me its needed. We are both learning to not react to toxic family members.
My grandson turns 1 soon and we are both going to face a very toxic person that has told me and my then 12 year old son to kill ourselves.
But as I am learning I am a good person who has to learn not to let other walk all over me and to not go from passive to exploding when pushed way too far. My therapist is amazed at the sheer scope how far I can be pushed before I explode back. Years of practice with abusive spouses and family.
I am struggling but I will always struggle. I havent had the easiests of lives and just now is the true depth of pain and suffering are coming out.
Most look at me and see a smiling mum who is proud of all her kids. What they dont see is the struggles behind the smile.
I am getting stronger and my therapist has warned me everyone will try and push me back on the path they had me. I got news for them I will never go back there.
I watch my son who has so many problems just shake his head and say I dont have the problems others do. something he heard said recently by another child more severely affected then he is.
I am said to say I cant pick my relatives but I sure as hell dont have to put up with there crap anymore. I can be me, its ok to be me cause as one fantastic friend keeps telling me I am a good person always have been always will be. I just need to stand up for me from now on.
They may think they have won, but really the lost.
Ann's rants and raves 